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NoxxyNights

justsleepjustdream@hotmail.com

Prose & Paradox.

I walk down 66th and spot a quarter at my step.
Back in ’69, that’d buy you a pack of cigs, a carton of eggs, a loaf of bread, or two pounds of sugar.
The population of the USA was 202,677,000, and you could buy some sick wheels for only two grand.

In ’69, you’d average a wage of a buck sixty an hour, could see The Beatles live one last time, and get high at Woodstock.

“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” became engraved in our brains and our textbooks, and we’d study them in our military jackets, typical hippie iron-on patches decorating us with birds, wild colors, and peace signs.

Jefferson Airplane and The Flying Burrito Brothers were bands you’d pay to see at festivals, and you’d bond with the fans over your common interests in music, not over Louis Vuitton handbags and which celebrity you want to fuck.

You see, I think I was born in the wrong time because
Even though the Manson family was plotting Tate’s demise,
I would have been able to appreciate the stars in the skies,
Let it die, blotted out with pollution of city lights and jet-planes
I’d have been diving into Bukowski’s newest pages, Lovecraft inspiring me to daydream and build castles in the air of Cthulhu.

We instagram our dishes, our shoes, and pets, never-ending newsfeed containing hundreds of selfies at awkward angles, sending best wishes to those we won’t put 100k on our car to see because we’re… ‘broke’.

We shout over console headsets
Because we can prove we’re the best
At moving our thumbs in perfect rhythm and just in time to shoot them dead

BOOM, HEADSHOT!

These 12 year olds will grow up in a virtual reality where violence is key, where Mommy and Daddy throw frozen boxes in the microwave for dinner
And we stare at tiny glowing screens to feel some sort of happiness because we’re ashamed of ourselves.

We’re too stressed and too overwhelmed and too, too, too…
with the reality we’re submersed in to face what’s in front of us,
So we medicate.

We medicate with technology, using what we can to consume our thoughts,
An escapism at best, an addiction at worst,
And we plead with each other and pretend to know the meanings of abuse and neglect and cowardice, but become silent when we’re the ones who need to slip away for a little bit and ignore the noise in the background.

The progression is frightening.
Take a look.
If you’ll see on this graph, we forgot how to laugh,
We can’t remember which path to take, what’s right from wrong,
where our morals should lie in our minds
and our hearts
Let’s tear this apart, I’ll break it down;

Here’s a math problem for you:

If Jane has fifty dollars, and she spends twenty on gas,
what does she have left?
Jane has two hungry kids who have to consume plastic-flavored noodles for dinner while she drinks a tall glass of water, feeling her stomach growl, and tells herself it’s okay.
Jane has creditors harassing her daily to pay her cards minimum due,
Multi-million dollar companies threatening to turn the power off
On a single mother who can’t afford daycare or to stay home, so
What’s the solution?

X+X still = 0

Can I please just go back in time?

Back when things were…quieter.
Smaller.

Back to when the pharmacist wasn’t feeding me maximum doses of Zoloft daily, throwing Clonazepam down my throat, expecting that a band-aid like this will fix my head. It won’t.

I still feel darkness. I still feel alone. I still feel sadness and emptiness.
I still have anxiety attacks so extreme that I’m puking in the toilet and can’t eat.
But the industry still gets its 15 Billion a year, selling quick-fixes in plastic orange bottles and blister-packs.
A 400% rise in anti-depressant use isn’t RIGHT.
If anything, it’s ALARMING.

Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t take your meds, I’m not some holistic-enforcing-hippie, telling you that you can just eat flower petals to cure your mental disorder (This isn’t Don’t Starve).

What I’m getting at is,
Can we just look around at the causes of this epidemic?

Can we shrink the world around us
Instead of shrinking ourselves to nothing?

Click This Link & Read It.

Yours, Etc.

And I set this to your palm
Steel to grace the layers
Breaking open,
Sweep away the tedium
Built to exorcise the demons in my gut

Purchased flesh, your residence
I take mine at your feet

Your command spills by the whole of your irises
This essence pursues in agreement

 You conspire with me against my poor judgement
And liberate body from mind
Embrace me on every level, every realm
Every world, in every dimension
And let me honor you
My King
In each

Narcissus.

The water may sweep away my tears
An ocean between us
But would you drag the lake for me?

Thirteen knots,
                                         Thirteen knots.

Blank stares
This mirror yells at me
And I cower
I am a coward
I repent

Black streaks line this face
My charcoal warpaint
Dressed for battle
Two ram heads entangle
Struggle
                                   Pride
                                                                       Surrendering again.
Is there ever a true victor?

Scrape the glitter off on scalpels edge.
Will I still be good enough?

Addictissimus.

Show me who I am
Show me who to be
I don’t need a lot
Just you next to me
Breathe your life into me
Make me feel something new
Something different
I crave the change, the thrill
I want your hands all over me
To push and pull
Tightening fists and
Gentle caresses
Hold me like it’s the last time
Breathe me in and taste me
I want to become enveloped.

I’m addicted to the scent of
Leather,
Wine and
Incense.
To pain
And pleasure.
To the
Taste
Of
Your
Skin.
To the smell of your bones
And the blood in your veins
The light in your eyes
The dark that remains
And the tell of your sins.

I want you in the bluntest way,
Flesh to flesh,
Taking over every sense I have.
Get under my skin
And in my head
I’ll get in your bed.
I want to touch,
Feel you
Through and through
Because
Of all the things
My hands have held
The best
By far
Is
You.

Two Shots Of Whiskey For Breakfast.

I would’ve kept holding you too.
Should have.
You make it much too difficult
To leave.
Warm touches and shallow breaths
And those goddamn
Whiskey Eyes that flutter
At me before I
Peel myself from the
Inferno-fire-nest-thingy
You’ve created.
And my
Pretty
Words
Won’t
Ever
Describe
Wholly
How I am in those moments.
Not even
Early morning poetry
Does it justice.
But this,
This is all much too sentimental,
Saccharine.
My purpose was
Only to simply inform you
That I would’ve
Should’ve Stayed there
Wrapped up
Tangled in
Slumber and Limbs
And warmth.

Unsteady.

Unsteady Video

Mama, come here
Approach, appear
Daddy, I’m alone
‘Cause this house don’t feel like home

If you love me, don’t let go
If you love me, don’t let go

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
‘Cause I’m a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
‘Cause I’m a little unsteady
A little unsteady

Mother, I know
That you’re tired of being alone
Dad, I know you’re trying
To fight when you feel like flying

But if you love me, don’t let go
If you love me, don’t let go
– X Ambassadors

The feels of this song…
The video…
What I’ve felt most my life.
And here it is in words and video.
That moment when you try for years
to explain what you feel…
And there it is. Boom. Trigger.

After All This Time?…Always.

And after all this time,
you’d think I know the exact outcome.
It’s not plausible, possible, nor probable…
It’s definite.
Even if positivity and optimism could influence the ending of this tragic novel,
I don’t think it’d be very pretty.
Something will be broken.
Someone will fall.
If I could isolate every influential moment, I’d never need to stitch up these seams again.

A Note To My Exes, Past Lovers, Flings, & Things.

Thank you for being abusive, manipulative, sociopathic assholes. Thank you for being alcoholics and drug addicts. Thank you for beating the shit out of me, telling me I wasn’t good enough, and never believing in me. Thank you for using me for just as long as you needed, before suddenly dropping off the earth. Thank you for choosing her instead of me. Thank you for shattering my self-image and crumbling my confidence…

Because of you, I am better than I ever was before. Because of you I can appreciate what I have now to the fullest extent and never take the ones I love for granted. I can feel in depth the compassion and empathy I express to my friends. I acknowledge the little things in life, smell the roses, and take in the wonders of my surroundings.

Because of you, I am quick to recognize red flags. I am able to identify users and abusers quickly and accurately. I can easily weed out poisonous people in my life, burn bridges without regret, and have learned that it’s not worth it to even look back at what was. My eyes are fixed on the horizon in front of me, and I will continue marching straight into the sun.

Because of you, I can love deeper, trust wholly, and serve honestly, because I know that the select few I allow into my life are good and true people that I trust, honor, and respect. I am able to give much more of myself now that you’re done sucking me dry. I will not be your bloodbag anymore, or ever again.

Because of you, I’ve been able to be free. I’ve met amazing people. Some of those people build me up and give me a reason to fight. Every minute I spend with those people, my self-worth increases. They genuinely care about me. It’s not a façade like you put on, or a selfish plea of attention. It’s real, true affection. Something I’d never be able to experience, had I stayed in your life.

Because of you, I can love…Wholly and true…and it feels unbelievably incredible to be able to do that and know that they aren’t trying to burn me up. I will continue to love and be loved without you, and I will be grateful for every moment I get to do so.

I am free.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart…♥

1 – Be able to hold a conversation. Late night talks that go on for hours let me get to know you better and create connection. Electricity. I want to know about your aspirations, your biggest, wildest dreams, your hidden talents, where you see yourself in 10 years, your passions, hobbies, and fears. I want to know you. This also lets me trust you more. Be honest and kind with your words.

2 – Pay attention to detail. If you notice the little things I do and enjoy, it makes me feel like you’re genuinely putting an effort into what we have, no matter what kind of relationship that entails. Surprise me with something that lets me know you were paying attention. Remember how I take my coffee, where my favorite cafes, bakeries and shoppes are, and who my favorite authors and musicians are.

3 – Be spontaneous. I like to escape. A lot. I like spur of the moment travels, last minute plans, and random adventures. You’d better be down for a drive at 2am to the mountains for just a day trip or a hike. Even better – tell me where you want to go at 2am, and let’s just go. I don’t care if it’s just a walk around the block. There’s some great hiking trails through the rockies that I enjoy more than anything. They’re my happy places. I am at peace when I go there, and I want to share those experiences with someone who can appreciate them as much as I.

4 – Be Inquisitive. When you ask me questions, or ask me to explain or elaborate on areas of my life, it makes me feel as if you care, and that you want to get to know me as well. I’m an open book, and love sharing stories.

5 – Read To Me. Words are my inspiration. It could be poetry, or a novel, or even a journal entry or blog post. I love words. I love what they can do for a human soul, how they can create images and emotions just from some blotted ink on a piece of paper. It’s a beautiful thing.

6 – Embrace My Little. There’s no better feeling than having your hair brushed and being sang to, while receiving random neck kisses. Hold my hand to cross the street. Hold me and tell me you’ll keep me safe. Play with my hair and cuddle me. Color with me. Run me a bubble bath, and actually stay in the bathroom with me and play. It’s a part of me, and if I express it, it means you’re special and I trust you with that vulnerable side of myself.

7 – Have Superior Aftercare. Tight cuddles, blankies, water and kisses. Reassuring words help tremendously. Tell me why you like me, why you enjoyed our scene, or how I make you feel. Aftercare for me is intimate and serious, and I don’t take it lightly. Be willing to take as much time as I need to collect myself and my thoughts. Of course, this is reciprocated based on what you need as well.

8 – Incorporate Some Romance. Yeup. I’m not asking for a box of fucking chocolates and a giant bouquet. Romance can be so many things. Dancing, cuddles, dinner. A walk in the park. A single rose. Cute notes slipped into my bag. I don’t want you to spend unnecessarily, especially because I’m not in the position to reciprocate that.

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