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NoxxyNights

justsleepjustdream@hotmail.com

Month

July 2015

Watsky.

There’s 7 billion 46 million people on the planet
And most of us have the audacity to think we matter

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I’ll jump the freeway median, I’m savage
Cause my mode is that I’m meaner than the average
Like my teacher taught me when I heard the crowd applaud
I thought I was an atheist until I realized I’m a God

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I’m sick of the image,
I’m livin’ my life, and I’m doin’ it my way.
I’d rather be makin’ the choices I’m proud of
Than chasing the mountain of money.

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That I have been a part of something worthwhile
To remind me of the pleasure your pulse
The measure of your breath
The rise and fall of our fortunes and our chests
These spectacular triumphs and flops

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Show me someone who says they got no baggage
I’ll show you somebody who’s got no story
Nothing gory means no glory, but baby please don’t bore me
We won’t know until we get there
The who, or the what, or the when where

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Where do we come from? Where do we go?
You could fill up the sea with the things I don’t know
But I know what I feel and I know when it’s real
And I hope that we heal
We’re two drops of the blood and tears
Over thousands of years of the clash of the steel

Melancholy Theatrics.

I almost deserve this torment.

My mind feels empty, yet it’s circling with these heavy whirlwinds of confusion and terror.

For the first time in my life, I’ve no idea how to handle what lays in front of me.

I could just wipe my slate clean…

Pretend it doesn’t kill me.

Walk away.

Run.

Run.

Run and never look back at the tragic mess that’s the inevitable conclusion of this stage,

This stage with poor lighting, and seating for two.

I’ll let the director of this pathetic show know just how I’m feeling.

Please stop time, let me practice my lines.

I’m sick and tired of falling on my face, tripping on the wires,

Stuttering and stumbling, believing the liars.

Although, the gratification of our performances grant me permission to become consumed in you.

It’s worth it, it will be every time.

This probably won’t end well…

Let’s hold our applause.

I reserved a spot just for you, on the edge of your seat.

Hold tight and try not to cringe,

I’ll forget the “I-told-you-so’s”.

You forget the scars.

Here’s my wish upon the stars,

And here’s to hoping they don’t disappoint.

That little voice convinces me they just might.

I’ll throw on this facade and exit stage-right.

Apology.

“I used to want to lock myself into a vault just to feel precious
But now with every kiss, hello, and goodbye,
I feel a self-worth no banker can tally
And my heart is a protest that I let rally against my ribs
Because I want to build my bones into cribs
And lay my reluctance to rest
Test what it would be like to live frenetically
To hold you unapologetically
To plant a giving tree on my front lawn So that when you’re gone I can give you back to me.”

–Apology by Shane Koyczan

Cannonball.

Everything happened all at once
And the world is spinning like a hubcap, and not just because of the drugs
We hugged and laid there in each others’ arms all night
….
So we stayed until the edges of the sky turned light
I would have stay until our hair turned white

And I couldn’t imagine that I would ever be unhappy again
And I whispered in your ear that this moment is already a poem
….
The beautiful wounds that will keep me, you and this moment forever linked
To remind me when I fail myself, when I fail everyone around me
When I misfire and come tearing through your walls
When the cocktail of humiliation and pain poisons my veins
And this carnival of carnage, this mansion of garbage, this parking lot of carcasses, this heartbreak party drains the spirit that remains
That I have been a part of something worthwhile
To remind me of the pleasure your pulse
The measure of your breath
The rise and fall of our fortunes and our chests
These spectacular triumphs and flops
That even if that moment meant nothing to the universe, it’s the closest thing to God I’ve got
I’m so far from perfect
So far it’s been worth it…

– George Watsky

Perfect Pleasure; Perfect Pain.

“The more a thing is perfect, the more it feels pleasure and pain.”

Dante Alighieri

Why must this ring true within every chapter of my life? Every time my heart gets shattered, I pick up all those minuscule fragments and try to piece everything back together. Those segments that have smashed into dust, though, those I can’t fix, and so, every time a new heartache prevails, I’m left with less and less pieces of myself to hold. Why must what brings me peace and joy also haul along piercing pain with it?…

Silentium Amoris.

One of my favorite pieces from Oscar Wilde.

William Control does a  beautiful job of giving it eerie ambiance in the video attached.

As often-times the too resplendent sun
Hurries the pallid and reluctant moon
Back to her sombre cave, ere she hath won
A single ballad from the nightingale
So doth thy Beauty make my lips to fail
And all my sweetest singing out of tune

And as at dawn across the level mead
On wings impetuous some wind will come
And with its too harsh kisses break the reed
Which was its only instrument of song
So my too stormy passions work me wrong
And for excess of Love my Love is dumb

But surely into Thee mine eyes did show
Why I am silent, and my lute unstrong
Else it were better we should part and go
Thou to some lips of sweeter melody
And I to nurse the barren memory
Of unkissed kisses and songs never sung

~Oscar Wilde

Boundaries.

If you are single, you need boundaries. If you are in a relationship, you need boundaries. If you are a Dominant, you need boundaries. If you are a Submissive, you need boundaries…whether that classifies you as a pet, slave, little, whatever. My statement stands. Male, boundaries. Female, boundaries. Young, old, confident, insecure, seriously…you need boundaries. I am a firm believer that you cannot make someone else happy, serve on them, love them, nurture them, help them grow, if you cannot be happy, serve, love, nurture, and grow yourself. If you want to serve on your Dominant, or keep your submissive loyal, to the best of your ability, you need to be doing all of these things. Here’s a little of my heart, before I start on how boundaries work.

1) Don’t Worry, Be Happy. If you are not happy with where you are in your life, being dragged down by surrounding negativity and retain a pessimistic outlook, or are simply stressed all the time, this will reflect in your behavior. Your ability to blossom a wonderful partnership will be hindered or halted. It is a partnership. If you’re stuck in a slump, it affects the other person as well, holding both of you back.

2) Serve Unto Thyself. Serving your partner is one thing, but many people do not serve upon themselves. Either because they feel unworthy of self-love and have a negative self-image, or other reasons. Take care of yourself and cater to your own needs. Fulfill your own needs first and foremost. If you enter a partnership with someone else, without having catered to yourself, you go into a partnership with high/false expectations and it could cause resentment or frustration when that one single person cannot meet all of your personal needs. This puts stress on to a relationship that hasn’t even had the chance to grow.

3) Love Your Damnself. Having a low self-image, lack of confidence, or being self-conscious can lead to awkwardness and being uncomfortable. This relays the message to your partner that you’re uncomfortable around them and could cause some tension. I’m not going to tell you to just buck up, Skippy, and get over it. As a sufferer of depression, lack of confidence, and low self-image myself, I understand the struggle. There is nothing more sexy than a confident partner in the bedroom, submissive or dominant. When you can accept your true self, is when you can honestly love yourself. Surround yourself with a positive association, people who boost your confidence and make you feel good about yourself.

4) Grow and Never Stop Growing. There are plenty, endless, infinite ways to grow yourself. Mentally, spiritually, and physically. I believe we are a product of the books we read and the people we meet. The people we hang out with, surround ourselves with on a daily basis, influence us greatly. The knowledge we absorb through people, books, media, etc. influence us as a person. Builds our character and personality. Never stop growing. Always keep learning. Do not let yourself become content being stagnant. Only dead fish flow downstream. Read some self-help books. Practice your hobbies and passions. Set some goals and dreams with incentive milestones. Give yourself something to look forward to, to celebrate, and achieve. Be the best you that you can be. Continuing on the Boundaries topic… A lot of people don’t know how to properly define their boundaries or defend them. We complain of being walked all over and being used, taken advantage of, but who’s really to blame? Majority of the time, it’s yourself. We’re too trusting, too forgiving.

What is a boundary?
A boundary is like the invisible line you draw to protect yourself mentally, spiritually, and physically. Mental or emotional boundaries for yourself could include setting expectations of the way people talk to you or treat you. Some examples I’ve set for myself include: I will not stand for anyone raising their voice at me. My boundaries include yelling, cursing at me, putting me down, shaming, mind games, manipulation, blackmailing, lying, hiding or not being upfront & honest. If someone does not respect these boundaries of mine, I let them know that I will not allow someone to do said boundary to me, and explain why and how I feel about it. It may be cheesy and/or intimidating, but it’s quite simple. There’s only two ways it can go from there. Either they respect it, apologize, and we move on, or they don’t respect you and at that point, you have to decide whether they’re worth keeping in your life. Re-evaluate that relationship.

Spiritual boundaries could include your faith-based values and practices. Physical boundaries are quite self-explanatory, I think. Your body is YOUR temple. Regardless of if you’re “owned” or not.

“But Nox, I’ve dedicated my whole to my Master”, you say.

Well I’ll refer you to what I’ve previously stated. If you cannot make yourself a priority and respect yourself, I feel you do not have to capacity to respect or make someone else a priority. I respect your dedication to your Owner or Master. I do, don’t get me wrong. Serving others is a beautiful thing, and I am my Daddy’s at His will. I understand your loyalty and love towards them. But there is still a difference between abuse and healthy, consenting, dominance. There’s a difference between legit rape and consensual non-consent or other force/rape role play. Respect yourself enough to know where your boundaries lie. No matter how submissive you are…do not allow anyone to overstep your own personal comfort limits. Be open with your partner about your boundaries. Don’t lie about what you’re ‘into’ or your experience. If you’re not comfortable with something, safe words are not shameful to use. NEVER be ashamed to use it. Everyone has different triggers…and if you don’t say anything, chances are your partner is going to think you’re okay with it or even that you may enjoy something, and they will do it again. This is going to cause some tension, frustration, and possibly anger on your end, depending on the trigger. This is a huge one for me, and I cannot stress it enough.

I was raped a few years ago. Certain physical contact will always be a trigger for me. Always. I imagine until the day I die. It’s something I will have to cope with, but only I know what I feel or what I think when those triggers are set off. But I am open about them with my partners. They respect that. That’s how it should be from the get go. And if anything, it will be a positive reinforcement for your partner that you’re trusting them with that and with your body. Your body will always be your body, no matter who you dedicate yourself to. No one else knows what goes through your head, your heart, or what you feel physically.

Stick to your boundaries. If you do not act upon your boundaries being broken, people will usually take advantage of this and see how far they can push you, repeat that line crossing, or use you. You’re hurting no one but yourself if you do not stand by your boundaries. This is the most vital point. Practice reinforcing your boundaries when you learn them. Boundaries don’t just apply to your partner, but everyone around you. Respect yourself enough to set and stand by your own boundaries.

Necessitate.

It is not lust for the sting in the blade that I crave,
But the trust.
The simple seduction of willing my life unto His hands.
I do not fear it.
Although, the thrill is fervent in my soul.
Let me be your canvas of warmth.
To feel His vehement touch, convincing my lungs to inhale shallow,
And my heart to hurry.
His impression left to linger, it does not burn on skin,
But rather, within my soul.
And with every notch…every pull of the blade,
even though it may pierce on the outside,
Is internally mending what was once broken…
The flesh reaped will then sew.
And such is how my heart is bound and stitched,
My soul is healed,
My conscience remedied,
My sickness cured.
Ultimate trust alone within Him
What is never present in any other.

Cruel World.

It’s not that you’ve broken me, for I was already shattered into pieces. When I met you, I had been able to glue only so many pieces into place. It’s that when you were picking up those pieces, appearance took priority over foundation. You were too focused on the things that held no significance, and used water instead of glue, to hold those pieces, letting me crumble into what I once was years ago.
My fragility is not a result of having let you in, but of letting so many others in before you and drop me on the concrete. There’s only so many falls I can take before I shatter into a million tiny, sharp fragments of what I used to be.
What I need is a foundation. A place to start, where I can build myself back up, and with reinforcement this time, so that I may no longer be as delicate.

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