If you are single, you need boundaries. If you are in a relationship, you need boundaries. If you are a Dominant, you need boundaries. If you are a Submissive, you need boundaries…whether that classifies you as a pet, slave, little, whatever. My statement stands. Male, boundaries. Female, boundaries. Young, old, confident, insecure, seriously…you need boundaries. I am a firm believer that you cannot make someone else happy, serve on them, love them, nurture them, help them grow, if you cannot be happy, serve, love, nurture, and grow yourself. If you want to serve on your Dominant, or keep your submissive loyal, to the best of your ability, you need to be doing all of these things. Here’s a little of my heart, before I start on how boundaries work.
1) Don’t Worry, Be Happy. If you are not happy with where you are in your life, being dragged down by surrounding negativity and retain a pessimistic outlook, or are simply stressed all the time, this will reflect in your behavior. Your ability to blossom a wonderful partnership will be hindered or halted. It is a partnership. If you’re stuck in a slump, it affects the other person as well, holding both of you back.
2) Serve Unto Thyself. Serving your partner is one thing, but many people do not serve upon themselves. Either because they feel unworthy of self-love and have a negative self-image, or other reasons. Take care of yourself and cater to your own needs. Fulfill your own needs first and foremost. If you enter a partnership with someone else, without having catered to yourself, you go into a partnership with high/false expectations and it could cause resentment or frustration when that one single person cannot meet all of your personal needs. This puts stress on to a relationship that hasn’t even had the chance to grow.
3) Love Your Damnself. Having a low self-image, lack of confidence, or being self-conscious can lead to awkwardness and being uncomfortable. This relays the message to your partner that you’re uncomfortable around them and could cause some tension. I’m not going to tell you to just buck up, Skippy, and get over it. As a sufferer of depression, lack of confidence, and low self-image myself, I understand the struggle. There is nothing more sexy than a confident partner in the bedroom, submissive or dominant. When you can accept your true self, is when you can honestly love yourself. Surround yourself with a positive association, people who boost your confidence and make you feel good about yourself.
4) Grow and Never Stop Growing. There are plenty, endless, infinite ways to grow yourself. Mentally, spiritually, and physically. I believe we are a product of the books we read and the people we meet. The people we hang out with, surround ourselves with on a daily basis, influence us greatly. The knowledge we absorb through people, books, media, etc. influence us as a person. Builds our character and personality. Never stop growing. Always keep learning. Do not let yourself become content being stagnant. Only dead fish flow downstream. Read some self-help books. Practice your hobbies and passions. Set some goals and dreams with incentive milestones. Give yourself something to look forward to, to celebrate, and achieve. Be the best you that you can be. Continuing on the Boundaries topic… A lot of people don’t know how to properly define their boundaries or defend them. We complain of being walked all over and being used, taken advantage of, but who’s really to blame? Majority of the time, it’s yourself. We’re too trusting, too forgiving.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is like the invisible line you draw to protect yourself mentally, spiritually, and physically. Mental or emotional boundaries for yourself could include setting expectations of the way people talk to you or treat you. Some examples I’ve set for myself include: I will not stand for anyone raising their voice at me. My boundaries include yelling, cursing at me, putting me down, shaming, mind games, manipulation, blackmailing, lying, hiding or not being upfront & honest. If someone does not respect these boundaries of mine, I let them know that I will not allow someone to do said boundary to me, and explain why and how I feel about it. It may be cheesy and/or intimidating, but it’s quite simple. There’s only two ways it can go from there. Either they respect it, apologize, and we move on, or they don’t respect you and at that point, you have to decide whether they’re worth keeping in your life. Re-evaluate that relationship.
Spiritual boundaries could include your faith-based values and practices. Physical boundaries are quite self-explanatory, I think. Your body is YOUR temple. Regardless of if you’re “owned” or not.
“But Nox, I’ve dedicated my whole to my Master”, you say.
Well I’ll refer you to what I’ve previously stated. If you cannot make yourself a priority and respect yourself, I feel you do not have to capacity to respect or make someone else a priority. I respect your dedication to your Owner or Master. I do, don’t get me wrong. Serving others is a beautiful thing, and I am my Daddy’s at His will. I understand your loyalty and love towards them. But there is still a difference between abuse and healthy, consenting, dominance. There’s a difference between legit rape and consensual non-consent or other force/rape role play. Respect yourself enough to know where your boundaries lie. No matter how submissive you are…do not allow anyone to overstep your own personal comfort limits. Be open with your partner about your boundaries. Don’t lie about what you’re ‘into’ or your experience. If you’re not comfortable with something, safe words are not shameful to use. NEVER be ashamed to use it. Everyone has different triggers…and if you don’t say anything, chances are your partner is going to think you’re okay with it or even that you may enjoy something, and they will do it again. This is going to cause some tension, frustration, and possibly anger on your end, depending on the trigger. This is a huge one for me, and I cannot stress it enough.
I was raped a few years ago. Certain physical contact will always be a trigger for me. Always. I imagine until the day I die. It’s something I will have to cope with, but only I know what I feel or what I think when those triggers are set off. But I am open about them with my partners. They respect that. That’s how it should be from the get go. And if anything, it will be a positive reinforcement for your partner that you’re trusting them with that and with your body. Your body will always be your body, no matter who you dedicate yourself to. No one else knows what goes through your head, your heart, or what you feel physically.
Stick to your boundaries. If you do not act upon your boundaries being broken, people will usually take advantage of this and see how far they can push you, repeat that line crossing, or use you. You’re hurting no one but yourself if you do not stand by your boundaries. This is the most vital point. Practice reinforcing your boundaries when you learn them. Boundaries don’t just apply to your partner, but everyone around you. Respect yourself enough to set and stand by your own boundaries.