I will not blame someone for taking things personal, perhaps they don’t see the big picture when I “cut” them out, or drift away from them. Some people don’t, and will never understand the extent of, or complete effects of my depression, and that’s fine, I never expected anyone to. So does that make them a bad person for being angry with me when I turn away from them to dwell in my dark place? Not at all. It just means they don’t understand that I “push them away” or drift off for their protection. I’d rather keep my dark cloud above myself than bring it unto someone who’s world is big, beautiful, and flourishing. I don’t want to be the one to bring negativity into their light. It’s almost as if I’d think of depression as infectious, not wanting my poison to contaminate someone else’s veins.
When I don’t reply to messages or texts, or calls, when I cancel plans, it’s because I’m in a really, really dark place. Maybe my pride is all too much, but I don’t ask for help, ever. I’d rather stick it out on my own. Sometimes darkness is beauty as well, and I’ve yet to seek out my beauty through my struggles. But it is something only I can do on my own.
Cancelling on you, not replying to you, pushing you out of my life…I don’t do it for me. You may think I don’t care, or that you mean very little to me…but hey, get this, I actually do it because it means that I care -immensely- for you. I’m saving you from falling into my aphotic, chaotic, abyss alongside me. It is -my- battle. Not yours. Let it rage on, in due time, I’ll come around.
And just a tip…Being angry with people who want to be alone in their depression and won’t let you in, makes things worse for them.