Here’s All The Fucks I Give.

Prose & Paradox.

I walk down 66th and spot a quarter at my step.
Back in ’69, that’d buy you a pack of cigs, a carton of eggs, a loaf of bread, or two pounds of sugar.
The population of the USA was 202,677,000, and you could buy some sick wheels for only two grand.

In ’69, you’d average a wage of a buck sixty an hour, could see The Beatles live one last time, and get high at Woodstock.

“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” became engraved in our brains and our textbooks, and we’d study them in our military jackets, typical hippie iron-on patches decorating us with birds, wild colors, and peace signs.

Jefferson Airplane and The Flying Burrito Brothers were bands you’d pay to see at festivals, and you’d bond with the fans over your common interests in music, not over Louis Vuitton handbags and which celebrity you want to fuck.

You see, I think I was born in the wrong time because
Even though the Manson family was plotting Tate’s demise,
I would have been able to appreciate the stars in the skies,
Let it die, blotted out with pollution of city lights and jet-planes
I’d have been diving into Bukowski’s newest pages, Lovecraft inspiring me to daydream and build castles in the air of Cthulhu.

We instagram our dishes, our shoes, and pets, never-ending newsfeed containing hundreds of selfies at awkward angles, sending best wishes to those we won’t put 100k on our car to see because we’re… ‘broke’.

We shout over console headsets
Because we can prove we’re the best
At moving our thumbs in perfect rhythm and just in time to shoot them dead


These 12 year olds will grow up in a virtual reality where violence is key, where Mommy and Daddy throw frozen boxes in the microwave for dinner
And we stare at tiny glowing screens to feel some sort of happiness because we’re ashamed of ourselves.

We’re too stressed and too overwhelmed and too, too, too…
with the reality we’re submersed in to face what’s in front of us,
So we medicate.

We medicate with technology, using what we can to consume our thoughts,
An escapism at best, an addiction at worst,
And we plead with each other and pretend to know the meanings of abuse and neglect and cowardice, but become silent when we’re the ones who need to slip away for a little bit and ignore the noise in the background.

The progression is frightening.
Take a look.
If you’ll see on this graph, we forgot how to laugh,
We can’t remember which path to take, what’s right from wrong,
where our morals should lie in our minds
and our hearts
Let’s tear this apart, I’ll break it down;

Here’s a math problem for you:

If Jane has fifty dollars, and she spends twenty on gas,
what does she have left?
Jane has two hungry kids who have to consume plastic-flavored noodles for dinner while she drinks a tall glass of water, feeling her stomach growl, and tells herself it’s okay.
Jane has creditors harassing her daily to pay her cards minimum due,
Multi-million dollar companies threatening to turn the power off
On a single mother who can’t afford daycare or to stay home, so
What’s the solution?

X+X still = 0

Can I please just go back in time?

Back when things were…quieter.

Back to when the pharmacist wasn’t feeding me maximum doses of Zoloft daily, throwing Clonazepam down my throat, expecting that a band-aid like this will fix my head. It won’t.

I still feel darkness. I still feel alone. I still feel sadness and emptiness.
I still have anxiety attacks so extreme that I’m puking in the toilet and can’t eat.
But the industry still gets its 15 Billion a year, selling quick-fixes in plastic orange bottles and blister-packs.
A 400% rise in anti-depressant use isn’t RIGHT.
If anything, it’s ALARMING.

Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t take your meds, I’m not some holistic-enforcing-hippie, telling you that you can just eat flower petals to cure your mental disorder (This isn’t Don’t Starve).

What I’m getting at is,
Can we just look around at the causes of this epidemic?

Can we shrink the world around us
Instead of shrinking ourselves to nothing?

Click This Link & Read It.


Unsteady Video

Mama, come here
Approach, appear
Daddy, I’m alone
‘Cause this house don’t feel like home

If you love me, don’t let go
If you love me, don’t let go

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
‘Cause I’m a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
‘Cause I’m a little unsteady
A little unsteady

Mother, I know
That you’re tired of being alone
Dad, I know you’re trying
To fight when you feel like flying

But if you love me, don’t let go
If you love me, don’t let go
– X Ambassadors

The feels of this song…
The video…
What I’ve felt most my life.
And here it is in words and video.
That moment when you try for years
to explain what you feel…
And there it is. Boom. Trigger.

After All This Time?…Always.

And after all this time,
you’d think I know the exact outcome.
It’s not plausible, possible, nor probable…
It’s definite.
Even if positivity and optimism could influence the ending of this tragic novel,
I don’t think it’d be very pretty.
Something will be broken.
Someone will fall.
If I could isolate every influential moment, I’d never need to stitch up these seams again.

A Note To My Exes, Past Lovers, Flings, & Things.

Thank you for being abusive, manipulative, sociopathic assholes. Thank you for being alcoholics and drug addicts. Thank you for beating the shit out of me, telling me I wasn’t good enough, and never believing in me. Thank you for using me for just as long as you needed, before suddenly dropping off the earth. Thank you for choosing her instead of me. Thank you for shattering my self-image and crumbling my confidence…

Because of you, I am better than I ever was before. Because of you I can appreciate what I have now to the fullest extent and never take the ones I love for granted. I can feel in depth the compassion and empathy I express to my friends. I acknowledge the little things in life, smell the roses, and take in the wonders of my surroundings.

Because of you, I am quick to recognize red flags. I am able to identify users and abusers quickly and accurately. I can easily weed out poisonous people in my life, burn bridges without regret, and have learned that it’s not worth it to even look back at what was. My eyes are fixed on the horizon in front of me, and I will continue marching straight into the sun.

Because of you, I can love deeper, trust wholly, and serve honestly, because I know that the select few I allow into my life are good and true people that I trust, honor, and respect. I am able to give much more of myself now that you’re done sucking me dry. I will not be your bloodbag anymore, or ever again.

Because of you, I’ve been able to be free. I’ve met amazing people. Some of those people build me up and give me a reason to fight. Every minute I spend with those people, my self-worth increases. They genuinely care about me. It’s not a façade like you put on, or a selfish plea of attention. It’s real, true affection. Something I’d never be able to experience, had I stayed in your life.

Because of you, I can love…Wholly and true…and it feels unbelievably incredible to be able to do that and know that they aren’t trying to burn me up. I will continue to love and be loved without you, and I will be grateful for every moment I get to do so.

I am free.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart…♥

1 – Be able to hold a conversation. Late night talks that go on for hours let me get to know you better and create connection. Electricity. I want to know about your aspirations, your biggest, wildest dreams, your hidden talents, where you see yourself in 10 years, your passions, hobbies, and fears. I want to know you. This also lets me trust you more. Be honest and kind with your words.

2 – Pay attention to detail. If you notice the little things I do and enjoy, it makes me feel like you’re genuinely putting an effort into what we have, no matter what kind of relationship that entails. Surprise me with something that lets me know you were paying attention. Remember how I take my coffee, where my favorite cafes, bakeries and shoppes are, and who my favorite authors and musicians are.

3 – Be spontaneous. I like to escape. A lot. I like spur of the moment travels, last minute plans, and random adventures. You’d better be down for a drive at 2am to the mountains for just a day trip or a hike. Even better – tell me where you want to go at 2am, and let’s just go. I don’t care if it’s just a walk around the block. There’s some great hiking trails through the rockies that I enjoy more than anything. They’re my happy places. I am at peace when I go there, and I want to share those experiences with someone who can appreciate them as much as I.

4 – Be Inquisitive. When you ask me questions, or ask me to explain or elaborate on areas of my life, it makes me feel as if you care, and that you want to get to know me as well. I’m an open book, and love sharing stories.

5 – Read To Me. Words are my inspiration. It could be poetry, or a novel, or even a journal entry or blog post. I love words. I love what they can do for a human soul, how they can create images and emotions just from some blotted ink on a piece of paper. It’s a beautiful thing.

6 – Embrace My Little. There’s no better feeling than having your hair brushed and being sang to, while receiving random neck kisses. Hold my hand to cross the street. Hold me and tell me you’ll keep me safe. Play with my hair and cuddle me. Color with me. Run me a bubble bath, and actually stay in the bathroom with me and play. It’s a part of me, and if I express it, it means you’re special and I trust you with that vulnerable side of myself.

7 – Have Superior Aftercare. Tight cuddles, blankies, water and kisses. Reassuring words help tremendously. Tell me why you like me, why you enjoyed our scene, or how I make you feel. Aftercare for me is intimate and serious, and I don’t take it lightly. Be willing to take as much time as I need to collect myself and my thoughts. Of course, this is reciprocated based on what you need as well.

8 – Incorporate Some Romance. Yeup. I’m not asking for a box of fucking chocolates and a giant bouquet. Romance can be so many things. Dancing, cuddles, dinner. A walk in the park. A single rose. Cute notes slipped into my bag. I don’t want you to spend unnecessarily, especially because I’m not in the position to reciprocate that.

Kitchen Sink.

Nobody thinks what I think,
Nobody dreams when they blink
Think things on the brink of blasphemy
I’m my own shrink
Think things are after me, my catastrophe
I’m a kitchen sink,
You don’t know what that means
Because a kitchen sink to you
Is not a kitchen sink to me, OK friend?
Are you searching for purpose?
Then write something, yeah it might be worthless
Then paint something then, it might be wordless
Pointless curses, nonsense verses
You’ll see purpose start to surface
No one else is dealing with your demons
Meaning maybe defeating them
Could be the beginning of your meaning, friend.

Go away
Leave me alone

Nobody thinks what you think, no one
Empathy might be on the brink of extinction
They will play a game and say
They know what you’re going through
And I tried to come up with an artistic way to say
They don’t know you, and neither do I
So here’s a prime example of a stand up guy
Who hates what he believes and loves it at the same time
Here’s my brother and his head’s screwed up
But that’s alright.

21 Pilots-Kitchen Sink

     When asked what a kitchen sink meant to him, Tyler responded: “One of the reasons why I started writing music in the first place was to address some of these big questions I had. One of them being “what’s the point?” I know it sounds dramatic, but it’s something that was haunting me – what’s the point of everything that we do? Really looking for purpose is a huge reason to exist. So I found that creating something that only you understand can be the beginning of purpose for you. So for me, something important in my life happened to me at a kitchen sink. And in my darkest hour, when deciding whether or not to continue or not, I realized that if I don’t continue, no one will be around to explain what that lyric means. So it… helps me. So creating something whether it’s a journal, or a piece of artwork, something that you don’t reveal the meaning of, can help you know that if you leave, no one will be around to explain this. So in short, I’m not going to tell you what that kitchen sink means to me because I need it to be only known by me.”

Reference:Tyler & Josh on Reddit


Could I, could I just find a way?
I’d find you everyday and we could alter time.
But I’ve come to find everyone’s gone away.
So this may be the time for the perfect crime.
Yes, this is perfect.

Come day, you’ll say you cannot stay.
What’s more, I’ll feel the same. It happens every time.
So I’ve come to find everyone goes away. I’m destined to remain.
You were never mine, so you were perfect.

This is our medicine. This is our time to…

Medicate here with me.
Now as we lose ourselves in us and ignore
that you don’t even know my name.

Can you describe what it’s like? I feel nothing.
Can you feel this? Does it sting?

I feel nothing at all…

Can you tell me how it feels?
I feel nothing at all.
Can we pretend this is real?
I feel nothing.

AFI – Medicate

Part 1 – Lying Is The Most Fun A Guy Can Have Without Taking His Clothes Off.

I don’t mind it, I don’t mind if you’re overrated
Or if you’re staring at the edge of the world.
Keep in mind that I’m a sore eye with blurry vision.
But I can see it has to be you love, that I’ve been dreaming of.
And if we climb this high, I swear we’ll never die.

I’ll never die.

Of Mice And Men – My Understandings

I really don’t mind at all.  I am along for the ride, making my bed to lie within. I will lie with cancer tonight, and there is no return when you are damned and jaded. I dangle on this thread of hope, the single tie that binds my existence to this earth. So, sever the tie…cut the rope, and if you will, kick the chair. I have not done anything quite worthy of respect, of honor, of greatness. I have done nothing but cause heads to shrink, hearts to break, and souls to die. Just give me a sign that I’ve not made these incisions to simply bleed out…

I Think I Fell In Love Again…

…Maybe I just took too much cough medicine
And I’m the best worst thing that hasn’t happened to you yet
The best worst thing

Us, we were pity sex,
Nothing more and nothing less

She’s an American beauty
I’m an American psycho

And in the end
I’d do it all again.
I think you’re my best friend.

I’m yours.
When it rains it pours.
Stay thirsty like before.

I’m not passive but aggressive.
Take note it’s not impressive.
Empty your sadness like you’re dumping your purse on my bedroom floor
We put your curse in reverse.

And it’s our time now if you want it to be.
Maul the world like a carnival bear set free.
And your love is anemic.
And I can’t believe that you couldn’t see it coming for me.

And sometimes I just wanna sit around and gaze at my shoes, yeah.
And let your dirty sadness fill me up just like a balloon.

Did you ever love her? Do you know?
Or did you never want to be alone?
And she was singing “Baby, come home”
I remember “Baby, come home”

I’ve got those jet pack blues
Fight off the light tonight and just stay with me
Honey, don’t you leave

Because they took our love and they filled it up
Filled it up with Novocaine and now I’m just numb
Now I’m just numb
And don’t mind me, I’m just a son of a gun
So don’t stop, don’t stop until your heart goes numb
Now I’m just numb
I don’t feel a thing for you

I’m just a problem that doesn’t want to be solved
So could you please hold your applause
Take this sideshow and all its freaks
And turn it into the silver screen dream

Singing I am your worst, I am your worst nightmare

I’ll be as honest as you let me
I miss your early morning company
If you get me
You are my favorite “what if”
You are my best “I’ll never know”

And I’m starting to forget
Just what summer ever meant to you
What did it ever mean to you?

Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any of it
I just got too lonely, lonely, whoa
In between being young and being right
You were my Versailles at night

And all my thoughts of you
They could heat or cool the room
And no, don’t tell me you’re crying
Oh, honey, you don’t have to lie

You were the song stuck in my head
Every song that I’ve ever loved
Played again and again and again
And you can get what you want but it’s never enough
And I spin for you like your favorite records used to

And I just need enough of you to dull the pain
Just to get me through the night ’til we’re twins again
‘Till we’re stripped down to our skeletons again
‘Till we’re saints just swimming in our sins again

And there’s a jet black crow droning on and on and on
Up above our heads droning on and on and on
Keep making trouble ’till you find what you love
I need a new partner in crime and you shrug

I’m not ready for sincerity
I’d tell any lie to keep you listening

I gave you pretentious.
I gave you indifference, but you only wanted undressed and defenseless.
With all your cheap words about hearts and accidents
Who are you kidding? 

When the hook sets in
And this all ends.
I’ll wish it never began,
Oh I will die without the attention.

Everyone loves an underdog
That’s why you’re singing along.

I just want to be better than your
Your head’s only medicine
A downward spiral just a pirouette
Getting worse till there’s nothing left
What good comes of something when I’m
just the ghost of nothing?

Hand over my heart, gun to my head
I swear to God I’m through with this
I am the worst liar I know

It’s not gossip if it’s the truth
I’m sick of always writing songs for you to slit your wrists to

So which is it: the boy who writes the songs or the boy who’s in them?
Who’s the girl? Is this truth or is he writing fiction?

I’ve got the skyline in my veins
Forget your night times
Summer love on a gurney with a squeaky wheel
And joke us, joke us

I find myself on the street out in front of your house, you can kiss safe thoughts goodbye.
I’m coming up to break your heart.
You’re sleeping with the light on like you’re dying to be found out.

One awkward silence
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep
Staying up, waiting by the phone
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me
Before you bury yourself alive

I don’t care what you think as long as it’s about me
The best of us can find happiness in misery

I’m a loose bolt of a complete machine
What a match, I’m half doomed and you’re semi-sweet

I’m a mascot for what you’ve become
I love the mayhem more than the love

I got troubled thoughts
And the self-esteem to match
What a catch, what a catch

If home is where the heart is
then we’re all just fucked
I can’t remember
I can’t remember
And I want it so bad
I’d shoot the sunshine into my veins
I can’t remember
The good old days

I’m a young one
Stuck in the thoughts
Of an old one’s head
When all the others were just stirring awake
I’m trying to trick myself to fall asleep again

My head’s in heaven, my soles are in hell
Let’s meet in the purgatory of my hips and get well

I don’t know where you’re going
But do you got room for one more troubled soul?
I don’t know where I’m going
But I don’t think I’m coming home and I said
I’ll check in tomorrow if I don’t wake up dead
This is the road to ruin
And we’re starting at the end
Let’s be alone together 

Oh, I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way
Still I’d trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday

Letting people down is my thing, baby
Find yourself a new gig
This town ain’t big enough for two of us
I don’t have the right name
Or the right looks
But I have twice the heart

She’s his suicide blond, she’s number than gold

And I said “I’ll check in tomorrow if I don’t wake up dead,”
I kept wishing she had blonde ambition and she’d let it go to my head

When I said that I’d return to you I meant more like a relapse

Now and again I think “His and her’s” “For better or worse”
But the only ring I want buried with me are the ones around my eyes

“You’re appealing to emotions that I simply do not have”

Joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of “best friends”

Write me off, give up on me
‘Cause darling, what did you expect?
I’m just off a lost cause
A long shot, don’t even take this bet

I spent most of last night dragging this lake
for the corpses of all my past mistakes
sell me out – the joke’s on you
we are salt – you are the wound
empty another bottle
and let me tear you to pieces
this is me wishing you
into the worst situations
I’m the kind of kid
that can’t let anything go
but you wouldn’t know a good thing
if it came up and slit your throat

Pieces & Paragraphs from Fall Out Boy lyrics.

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